Exhortation Station

I recently listened to an episode of The Porch Live podcast titled “Prescription for Conflict,” which can be found here: The Porch Live – Prescription for Conflict. I highly recommend giving it a listen. There’s a lot of good stuff in there.

During the message, the speaker made a point about conflict resolution that I thought was insightful. His statement was, “Own 100% of your 1%.” In other words, take full responsibility for your own missteps, miscommunications, or mishandling of the situation, no matter how small. It can be so easy to justify our own actions when we feel the lion’s share of the blame falls on someone else. We have a propensity to extend charity to ourselves while being highly critical of others. I must remember that, when I stand before Yahweh, I will give an account for my careless words, not those of anyone else.

Matthew 12:36
But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment.

Maybe 99% of the fault does belong to the other person. Maybe you only contributed 1%. That doesn’t change the fact that we are each responsible for our own actions. A cursory glance may not be enough to reveal an area where you have stumbled. Sometimes serious soul-searching is required. Did you, in a moment of haste, allow a demeaning word to escape your lips? Did you, at any point, make an assumption about the other person’s motives? Did you allow your mind to entertain a belittling thought? If nothing else, maybe you allowed resentment to fester in your heart rather than addressing the issue early on. Maybe you communicated poorly although your intentions were pure. These are things you can own. Such ownership can go a long way toward resolving a conflict. Humility has a way of tearing down barriers in the hearts of others. You might be surprised by how often someone who had been defensive will open up when you demonstrate humility. Regardless of the outcome, you can rest easy when you know you left nothing unsaid.

Owning your 1% does not mean you should live in denial of the fact that you were wronged. It does not mean you should attempt to suppress the issue out of memory, pretending it doesn’t exist. Sometimes, the best course is to overlook a transgression, extend grace, and move on (Proverbs 19:11). At other times, you have to confront the matter in love. Nowhere does God’s Law say we cannot confront a brother about a wrongdoing. On the contrary, the Torah specifically makes allowance for it, while making it clear we are not to bear a grudge.

Leviticus 19:17,18
You shall not hate your fellow countryman in your heart; you may surely reprove your neighbor, but shall not incur sin because of him. ¹⁸ You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am YHWH.

Reconciliation is of great importance in the eyes of Yeshua, so much so that He instructs us to “leave our offering at the altar” to be reconciled to a brother.

Matthew 5:23,24
Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴ leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

As we approach the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), let us seek to mend any broken places in our relationships, to the full extent of our ability. At times, owning your part may not be enough to reach full resolution, as true reconciliation requires participation from all parties involved. Nevertheless, let us go as far as we can, leaving no stone unturned as we seek to come clean before others and before Yahweh. No matter how small our part may be, let us own all of it — no excuses, no questions asked. It may be uncomfortable for a moment, but a clean conscience is more precious than gold!

Proverbs 28:13
He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.

Psalm 139:23,24
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; ²⁴ And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.

(Bible passages NASB 1995; Hebrew transl. added.)